Stumbling into Koyoomi’s room is like tripping and falling straight into a twisted wet dream. This Asian teen sensation is the kind of cam whore who knows how to keep you glued to your screen and your hand glued to… well, you get the picture. Broadcasting straight from “dreamland”—which I’m convinced is code for “wherever the fuck fantasies come true”—she’s got a knack for turning the mundane into the obscene, and she does it with a smile that could melt the iciest of hearts, or harden the limpest of dicks.
Let’s talk about that big ass of hers. It’s the kind of ass that makes you want to write poetry and then set it on fire because you realize no words can do it justice. You could bounce a quarter off it, but why would you when you could just sit back and watch it jiggle like a goddamn national treasure? She’s got a Lovense toy that she wields like a maestro, orchestrating your impending climax with the precision of a surgeon and the enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store.